HARTMAN - PARTY OF FIVE

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Life as a Step-Mom, Step-kids, Step-parenting

I celebrated my 45th birthday on Wednesday - birthday number 12 as a Step Mom! Yikes on both accounts.

Lisa's 45th Birdthday - Opening Gifts

 

Can't believe - I'm well - that old AND I've made it 12 years as a Step Mom. There were a lot of times I wondered if I would make it to 6 years let alone 12.


Being a Step Mom this birthday seemed even more relevant than any other so far. My Step Son Jax was packing up his things to leave for College in another state. He's lived half of his life in our home, he is our son, a member of our family. Most of the day was spent doing last minute laundry, picking up the things we forgot, organizing everything and ultimately packing up the part of this life he wants to take to his new one waiting in another state.

 

Raylan and the kids took me to my favorite restaurant but more importantly "our" family favorite restaurant that we frequent for most of our special occasions. I realized as we all piled into the car and headed for the restaurant it would be our last meal as a Party of 5.

RESPECT THE BUBBLE

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Dealing with the Ex- Wife, Life as a Step-Mom, Step-kids

RESPECT THE BUBBLE a phrase my brother created a number of years ago when someone was invading his personal space, namely my kids!  A kind way of saying - back the hell away - respect my personal space.  My kids of course fell in LOVE with the phrase, using it often.  Sometimes with complete seriousness and other times with alot of laughter. The phrase belonged to my kids until last week.

THE BUBBLELittle Hart mentioned her Mom (Greta) was coming by to pick her up for a few hours.  Typically that means, Greta text messages Little Hart when she arrives, asking her to come out to the car.  On rare occasions when she comes to the door, we invite Greta into our home while she waits for Little Hart.

On that particular evening, Raylan and I were sitting side by side in "our" spot aptly named the love seat.  My legs were draped across  Raylan, me and the girls were gathered round watching the bat video.  Yes the bat video! Raylan had extracted the creature from our sun shade on the back of the house a few minutes earlier.  All four of us were laughing hysterically, reliving the horrifying bat extraction when the doorbell rang - it was Greta.

CURVATURE OF THE SPINE - PART 3

Lisa Hartman
Blended Family Health Issues, Divorce, Ex-Spouses

"We're ready to apply Elle's hardware," something I had never imagined hearing about one of my children. The words from the surgical intern calling from the Elle's surgery with an update.  

Elle's hardwareSo far everything had gone according to plan - no complications.  A relief for any parent, but it an even bigger relief given the emotional turmoil between Elle and her Dad. She needed something to go right. 

I talked at length with Elle about postponing her surgery until the dust had settled with Dick. Elle was adamant that she keep her surgery date.

Elle made it clear to Dick and Malus that she did not want them at the pre-surgical meeting or the surgery.  She would later agree that Dick could come to the hospital and sit in the waiting room during the surgery for updates and the results of the surgery, but she did not want to see him.  Dick agreed, but Malus on the other hand did not.

At Elle's pre-surgical visit, Malus arrived in the waiting room. She looked at us and didn't say a word, chosing to sit in a different section than Elle, Little Hart, Raylan and I sat. I could have made a scene in the crowded waiting room instead I didn't acknowledged her.  

I wasn't inflicting payback of my own for how Malus had treated me over the past fourteen years. I chose not to because Elle had asked her not to come which she ignored and her behavior during the situation between Elle and Dick back in May.  Malus knew what was going on behind closed doors and yet she told Elle to cover it up because her marriage and family would be over if Elle told anyone or left.

Elle was forced to call me from a public bathroom to tell me what was going on with Dick. When I talked to Malus I was very specific about how I wanted Malus to protect my daughter. I did not want Elle to see or talk to Dick until I could catch a flight home and assess the situation.  I knew that he was drunk and out of control and I didn't need to know any more than that. Malus promised - Hung the phone up and did the complete opposite.

 

CURVATURE OF THE SPINE - PART 2

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Blended Family Health Issues, Dealing with the Step-Mom, Divorce

Elle had been diagnosed a year earlier with severe scoliosis.  You would think with a spine curve at a -49 degree you would be able to notice it by the way Elle was standing.  Nope.

Elle's Body BraceThe strange thing is that her body had adjusted to the curvature - she looked like she was standing straight. The only outward sign was her spine had disappeared from view when you looked at her back.  Other than wearing a swimsuit you didn't see her back - so it was easy to not notice.  The only complaint that Elle had initially had was her neck bothered her from time to time.  We attributed it to her sleeping wrong.  

Elle's diagnosis would occur during a routine physical before entering High School.

CURVATURE OF THE SPINE - PART 1

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Blended Family Health Issues, Ex-Spouses

This is a four part series in honor of Elle's 2nd anniversary of her SUCCESSFUL Spinal Fusion Surgery to correct the -49 curvature of her spine! YEAH!!!  

Curvature of the spine Tension had been brewing between me and Dick since Elle's diagnosis a year earlier. Although we had both accepted the fact, Elle's spine could only be fixed through Spinal Fusion Surgery - we both knew our 50/50 custody arrangement would not work in the recovery phase.

Elle's surgery had to be done before she turned nineteen to give her the best chance for success. Initially we thought/hoped it would be closer to nineteen, but the pain from Elle's curved spine began affecting her ability to participate in simple everyday activities - surgery needed to happen at 15. In May of 2009 the surgery date was set for Wednesday, July 22nd, a little over two months away.  

After my divorce from Dick, I was consumed with the day to day negotiations between the two households -  weekends - holidays - vacations - schooling.  In the back of my mind I always had a deep fear of something out of the ordinary happening; an accident, an illness, a surgery.  

Dick and I were barely able to agree on the the easy stuff - how in the world would we ever agree on something life threatening?  The minute a surgery date was set the underlying tension turned into a full on tug of war began between the two families - with Elle smack in the middle.  Where would Elle stay after her surgery?  Elle would have a six week recovery period, if everything went well - longer if it didn't. The best home for recuperation was up for debate.

Elle wanted to stay in our home, period end of story! Things had not been going well at Dick's house. I decided to tackle it head on with Dick.  I was strong, direct, confident and unwilling to compromise; Elle was was staying at my house after her surgery.  I was her mother, worked from home and could be there for her 24/7.   Dick would fire back that they were the better parents and that Malus could provide better care for Elle.  

 

TIDBIT TUESDAY - BLENDING HERS AND HIS KIDS

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Life as a Step-Mom, Tidbit Tuesday

I'm on the road with my two daughters (his and mine) for a few days of shopping until we drop.  Twelve years ago - Little Hart was two and Elle was 5. Neither one was very happy about it.  Nor was Jax very happy about Elle and vice versus.

The first time we decided to get Elle and Jax together for a play date it was a disaster!  Elle asked to used the bathroom and Jax immediately ran into the bathroom, locked the door,refusing to come out! No accidents - there was another bathroom upstairs.  Jax didn't come out of the bathroom until we were safely in the car and on our way home.  

 

ON THE ROAD AGAIN

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Blended Family Traditions, Dealing with the Ex- Wife, Life as a Step-Mom, Step-kids

It's road trip day with my two favorite chickee's - Elle and Little Hart. We're leaving the boys behind! 

 

Road Trip with the Girls

Our girls trips and boys trips have been a part of our family life almost since it's inception. The girls love to shop, shop and then shop some more - 11 hours is our record so far! The boys love watching every kind of sporting event under the sun. There is no sport they won't watch! On our family trips we try to get a good mix of what the girls and boys enjoy doing, but sometimes it's just fun to do what you enjoy doing all day and night long without feeling like the other half would rather shoot themselves. Thus, the separate trips.

Twelve years into our blended family - the trips are officially a Hartman Family tradition. A tradition that all the kids look forward to doing and talking about for years later. As you know, Elle is my daughter and Little Hart my step-daughter. The girls trips have really gone a long way in creating and cementing the bond between Elle and Little Hart, my relationship with Little Hart and the relationship between Mom and daughters. I really credit the trips for making our family closer as a whole closer.

Planning and actually going on the the Girls trips has taken coordination with the other families over the years, but a extra wrinkle has been that Little Hart is my step-daughter. Although I have always considered her my daughter, it's times like these that I'm reminded that I'm not in control of whether Little Hart can go on these trips. Raylan and Greta are.

 

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT HER?

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Life as a Step-Mom, Marriage , Step-kids, Step-parenting

Jax asked if he could make me lunch. Yes! A welcome surprise.  Once the grilled cheese sandwiches were cooking on the grill, Jax came into the living room - big smile on his face. "Um- other than Sadie biting the noodles - what do think about her?"

The Floaty Thingys!Little background. Sadie(his girlfriend) had come over to swim a few times and had successfully bit off big chunks out of the majority of the noodles(floaty thingys). They're only a $1.69 a piece, but it's disgusting to be using a noodle that someone has been chewing on. Eeeew!

Now if we had been close like Little Hart and I have been for the past 12 years this would seem like just a normal thing to have happen.  Unfortunately we haven't been close even though Jax was only six when we created our blended family.

Jax is Greta's first born and they have always been extremely close.  She hadn't been happy about Raylan and I dating and even less so about us moving in together. Greta had moments of anger/sadness about our relationship that often times were expressed in front of Jax.  

The first week in our new home, Jax came racing down the stairs, lost his footing and slide down the last four steps. Major carpet burn!  I raced over to him "Let me look at it - I'll get you all fixed up!" Jax looked up "My Mom says only her and my Dad can take care of me!" Then he ran off.  Whether Greta actually said that or not was a mute point. Jax felt the pressure to keep me at arms length. I had to accept the reality of our relationship, even though it broke my heart. 

For years we really didn't have a relationship beyond our family unit.  We had our issues - mundane, run of the mill stuff.  Yet they always turned into big deals and were exacerbated by my Hubby coming to the rescue of Jax which only furthered the distance between us.

Six years ago my relationship with Jax came to a crossroads.  Jax was having some issues.  Raylan, Jax and I sat down to have a talk about life.  Raylan asked Jax what was going on with him, he replied "I hate my life and it's all Lisa's fault!" He was blaming me for all the wrongs in his life?  Not totally surprising given that Greta always expressed her anger toward me, rarely Raylan regardless of the problem.

FINDING INSPIRATION OUT OF TRAGEDY

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Child Abuse , Ex-Spouses

Before last week I had never heard of Me Ra Koh. I know, I know -  I live in a box. Elle's camera on top of Me Ra Koh's BookHer name was not even on my radar screen.  Flash forward to today.  I'm lovin her! big time! For those of you like me, who have no idea who I'm talkin about - she is a famous photographer, motivational speaker now appearing on the Nate Berkas show, appeared on Oprah.  

None of the above has anything to do with why she has made such a huge impression on me. Me Ra has lived through some unbelievably hard times; date rape, miscarriage, almost near death of another child.  And yet, there she was standing on a stage with a huge smile on her face.  A number of times during her speech I wanted to let out a huge wail -350 people surrounding me - so I sucked it up.  While her story is extremely moving, it was the very real and deep connection I felt with her that got to me. Judging from the crowd there were many people who felt the same connection.

The loss Me Ra felt after miscarrying her son, the fear a few years later when her daughter almost died from an infection they both picked up in their travels.  Wanting to scream enough is enough already! How many times had I said those very same words. In an instant, my feelings from my own experiences; almost losing Little Hart from freak infection a year ago, Elle's scoliosis surgery two years ago - one mis-step she could have been paralyzed or worst dead on the operating table, my brother's death from a extremely rare form of cancer. As much as I tried to contain my emotions, the tears were rolling down my checks like a river.  I realized I didn't care!

TIDBIT TUESDAY - A PUBLIC MARRIAGE PROPOSAL TO A MOM

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Life as a Step-Mom, Marriage , Step-kids, Tidbit Tuesday

Tidbit Tuesday is a forum where I can talk about the things I'm hearing and seeing out in the real world.

Opening night of the Evo Conference there were a number of speakers sharing their personal stories to inspire the audience.  The last speaker was a gentleman I'll call Mike.  Mike started talking about a woman I'll call Kim, initially I  thought she was his wife.  Slides were flashing on the big screen of Kim in her role as a mother, business owner. Mike was talking about how much he respected her and his learning curve in becoming a supportive partner to Kim.  As the speech progressed I gleamed from his phrasing that Mike and Kim were not married.  

Without warning, a slide popped up on the big screen: "Will you marry me?" Simultaneously, Mike said something along the lines what do you when you love a woman this wonderful - "Ask her to marry you!"  Kim was down in the audience, he on stage.  Silence from her!  Mike walked down to Kim's table, knelt down on one knee and asked her to marry him again. Silence from Kim.  

 

STEP-MOM'S KEEP FAMILY FROM RUNNING FOR THE EXIT!

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Life as a Step-Mom, Step-kids

Sunday I walked in the door to a clean house, thanks to Elle! Three happy kids and happy Hubby to greet me!  Turns out they all actually missed me and I missed them as well.  Smiles all the way around.  

About one hour into my time away, I really started to miss my family!  It was really a good exercise for all of five of us to realize how much our family is an important part of who have become over the past twelve years.

Video Blogging in a Gondola at Evo Conference

Eventually the conference was in full swing and I was non-stop busy.  I met a ton of great people and made some lasting friendships.  I met one of my Twitter followers, Sandy! She's a Mom and Step-Mom as well. It was a great treat to get to talk to her in person.  

I also, met a ton of other great women living a blended family life or have a friend - a sister living in one or happened to grow up in one sometimes two blended families. Even one Dude! I loved hearing all of their stories about what they loved about their blended families and even their challenges.  

On of the things that struck me, was us as women. Not only are we the Step-mom's/Mom's in our family - often times we are the one person keeping our family running smoothly -  the glue that keeps us together! We are the key to our family humming along or the entire family running for the next available exit!

 

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