IT TAKES EXTENDED FAMILY TO RAISE A BLENDED FAMILY

Lisa Hartman
Blended Family Traditions, Holidays, Life as a Step-Mom

Our family not only survived our first Thanksgiving without a divorce decree, we managed to do it with a lot of fun and humor along the way.  Over the past thirteen years we have done a pretty good job of avoiding the two families splitting the actual holiday, opting instead to rotate between families.  

This year, Jax asked that we change the schedule mainly because of logistics; he was home FIVE short days with a very long list of people he wanted to spend time with including the respective extended families. To squeeze everyone in it meant splitting the holiday.

NO DIVORCE DECREE - WHICH HOME DOES A KID COME HOME TOO?

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Blended Family Traditions, Dealing with the Ex- Wife, Divorce, Holidays, Life as a Step-Mom, Step-parenting

I have to admit, there have been a number of times over the years I secretly wished for the day one of my kids would turn 18. With my three youngest, it had nothing to do with them, rather the Ex. Specifically haggling with the ex over the "proposed" holiday schedule. One year Dick/Malus got miffed that I dare email a schedule over without "proposed" in the title.

Most of the years we have shared 50/50 custody with our respective Exes.  Agreeing on what was a fair 50% time split was a moving target year after year. By the time the actual Holiday rolled around, it felt like we had negotiated peace in the Middle East. Instead of wanting celebrate, I usually felt like going to bed for a few days due to mental exhaustion.

This year we've added a new twist - Jax turned 18 in July.  No longer a valid divorce decree awarding joint custody to his Mom and Dad. No more detailed spread sheets about what days he will spend at Mom's house and Dad's house.  In my opinion, that was a huge motivating factor in Jax going out of state for College - he could sleep every night in the same bed, his clothes all in one place - just one home base.

Today Jax is coming home for Thanksgiving! This isn't Mom or Dad's Thanksgiving - it's HIS THANKSGIVING!  But what home will he come home too?

PLACING BOUNDARIES AND CONDITIONS ON LOVE IN BLENDED FAMILIES

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Divorce, Step-kids

Last night I came across a People article on the wedding of Eva Amurri daughter of Susan Sarandon and Franco Amurri.  The picture was of Eva's Ex Step Father Tim Robbins and Mother Susan Sarandon walking her down the aisle.  The article acknowledged that her Father was present at the ceremony, but her Mother and Step Father were the hosts of the wedding event.  As you may know, Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon split up three years ago after spending twenty two years together.

Eva Amurri with Step Dad and Mom.What struck me about the whole scenario was the happiness on Eva's face as she walked with her arms intertwined with Tim and Susan down the aisle.  Although her "parents" had parted ways, Eva acknowledged how important her Step Father was in her life by his intimate involvement in the ceremony and celebration.

SEASONS CHANGE OVERNIGHT

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Dealing with the Ex- Wife, Life as a Step-Mom, Teenagers

It's Monday morning.......I woke up late - it's FREEZING - drinking a cup of hot black tea.  It snowed Saturday - we weren't ready for it as is evident by all of the leaves that have yet to fall.  

The snow weighs heavy on the tree branches as they struggle with the season change and I find myself identifying with the trees.  I've been experiencing a lot of changes - a child leaving the nest for college - another one soon to follow - Little Hart my 14 year old spending more time in her other household.

For a month now, my Monday mornings have been filled with leisure. I should be excited and thankful from my reprieve from the typical morning activities of making breakfast and driving Little Hart to school thirty minutes away - instead I find myself feeling down. It's probably the entirety of all the changes, but nevertheless I do feel down.  

JUST LIKE OLD TIMES.........

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Blended Family Traditions, Life as a Step-Mom, Teenagers

This past weekend our Family of Five decided to meet up in Dallas/Fort Worth for the BYU vs. TCU football game at Cowboy Stadium.  Raylan, me, Elle and Little Hart flew in from SLC and Jax flew in from Phoenix. Jax's plane arrived twenty minutes after ours and we met up in the airport.  We had not seen him since we dropped him off at school in August.  It was very cool and strange all at the same time to be meeting our son in an airport terminal.  

The kids immediately fell into their old comfort zone and before we knew it - it was like old times - talking - laughing - teasing!!!!  The highlight of our trip was attending the game at Cowboy Stadium......

Hartman Family at Cowboy StadiumCowboy Stadium is an awesome sight to see!  

IS HALLOWEEN WORTH A BATTLE?

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Dealing with the Ex- Wife, Holidays, Life as a Step-Mom, Step-kids

Happy Halloween! If your blended family is anything like ours you've probably wondered why Halloween can end up being more emotionally charged than any other holiday.  I've come to the conclusion that it has more to do with kids growing up than the actual holiday.

 

Kids grow up so fast and there's a very tiny window that they love to dress up and you get to be apart of the process as a parent - split that time in half - it's a handful of years.  

THE NEW NORMAL

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Divorce, Teenagers

When my divorce from Dick was final - it was relief.  Relief that I didn't have see and talk to him everyday.  When he was being unreasonable I could just hang up the phone.  The flip side of the decision was that I would only see my daughter half the time, split every Holiday, special occasion............. Instead of having eighteen years with my child the hard core reality was it would be more like nine.  It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do - with time it became my normal and Elle's normal.

Elle's view from the beach houseSince Elle left Dick's house two and half years ago, we have been together most days.  It's different from when she was a toddler - she's a teenager - been through HELL and back - dealing with a ton of emotions - but she's been under my roof. I've been lucky to be there to hold her - love her - seven days in a row - week after week. 

FASTEN YOUR SEATBELT FOR A LONG AND BUMPY RIDE

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Life as a Step-Mom, Step-kids, Teenagers

My youngest, Little Hart is going through the the Terrible Teens.  Not the Terrible Twos - the Terrible Teens - she's 14.  Every question is answered with "What Do You Think?" in the most snarky tone she can muster.  Usually I have to go to my Happy Place to stop myself from snapping and responding with what I really want to say or strangling her.

Wish I could blame this whole thing on the Step Mom - Step Daughter relationship, but my own daughter let me know how stupid I was a number of years ago.

WHEN WE BLAME THE STEP MOM...............

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Life as a Step-Mom, Step-parenting

Blaming someone for a wrong isn't a new phenonmen, in fact it's become an accepted part of our culture - thanks in large part to the media. Often one piece of a very complicated puzzle is singled out - one person solely to blame for a particular result. The tape gets replayed over and over again for years to come - Remember "this" person caused "this" to happen. Eventually the mistake overshadows every other decision in their life.

It's easy to see why - it makes a complicated situation easy to understand - it's not hard to get people to rally behind blaming just one person.  When we place the blame squarely on someone else's shoulder it explains the unexplainable - the failure - the loss - relieving us of our own culpability. We mistakenly hold on to the belief that if that ONE thing had been different the whole outcome would have been different. It's a fallacy because failure never comes from just one thing.

Last week I was watching the ESPN special "Catching Hell." The host examines some of the most infamous baseball games in our history - a team expected to win a crucial game, but loses it instead. Even though a number of errors were made from various players throughout the game the entire blame for the loss gets attributed to one player only.  As I'm watching, three different experiences come together - All three involve Blame and Step Moms.

THE ORIGINAL LISA HARTMAN

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families

You know the original Lisa Hartman? No, I'm not talking about Ex-Wife number two - yes we do share the same first name and sometimes same last - yet - surprisingly I'm not talking about her today! I'm talking about THE Lisa Hartman from Knots Landing - the spin off from Dallas. My two favorite shows from the 80's.  

I watched Knots Landing religiously every week, counting the days down until the next episode.  Who wasn't enraged with they killed off Lisa Hartman's character Ciji Dunne?  Then thankful they brought her back as another character! 

I had no idea back then, that I would someday share the same awesome name with her.

ACCEPTING THE THINGS WE CANNOT CHANGE

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Child Abuse , Divorce

FOR BACKGROUND PLEASE READ "WHEN THE DOOR CLOSES FOR THE LAST TIME"

 

My daughter Elle is now a Senior in High School - busy filling out College applications - dreaming about the next phase of her life. Last week Elle's high school emailed a picture of Elle in her graduation gown. Turns out the school emailed the picture to my Ex - Elle's Father. It prompted Dick to leave me a very long winded message.  In a nutshell he said;  

  • "WE did a good job of raising her - even though he hasn't seen her or talked for over two years
  • He believes that Elle hasn't been involved in his life for two years because of what went on between Elle and Malus.  Elle just used him as a gateway to get out of his home -  that's ok though that's what he's there for
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