WE STILL HAVE ISSUES IN OUR BLENDED FAMILY AND THAT'S A GOOD THING!

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Blended Family Health Issues, Dealing with the Ex- Wife, Divorce, Emotional Baggage, Kid's illness, Life as a Step-Mom

This month marks the 2nd anniversary of Little Hart's brush with death. We sat by her bedside watching the respirator take her every breath - wondering if she would ever tell another funny story that made us laugh uncontrollably, inform us she was not going to do this, that or the other (she's so damn stubborn!) or be able to say "I Love You Mom and Dad."

Little Hart and her BFF from the hospital

Greta, Raylan and I sat in a small ICU room for NINE days and nights - all unified in praying for a miracle. One arrived on day six when she the turned a corner.  A lot of things in our Blended Family Life were forever changed after those nine days.

THE WEDDING RING - A SYMBOL OF FAILURE OR LOVE?

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Divorce, Emotional Baggage, Ex-Spouses

When I divorced Dick, 17 years ago this month, I shared my plans to give my wedding ring to our daughter Elle when she turned 18.  Dick responded in a sarcastic, bitter, angry tone "Sounds like a great idea!  Elle here's a symbol of your parents FAILED marriage!!" I responded "No, here's a symbol that your Dad and I loved each other once!" 

Dick and I never discussed the ring again. Many years ago I shared with Elle my intentions to give her the ring. I don't remember the exact conversation other than we both knew that the ring belonged to her and that Grandma(my Mom) was keeping it in a safe until she turned 18.

WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH VALENTINES DAY?

Lisa Hartman
Blended Family Traditions, Holidays, Marriage

From the very beginning, my Hubby made it clear that he hated Valentines Day so don't expect anything from him.  His philosophy was two fold.  First, if he needed a day to tell me he loved me then he wasn't doing a very good job the rest of the year.  Second, he's likened the Holiday to sanctioned extortion - either you buy your wife a gift or pay the consequences for not doing so!

In all honesty it never really bugged me - maybe it's the two bouquet of flowers he has sent me every single year for 13 years -  three days before Valentines Day, but NEVER on V Day! Or the "Just Because I Love You Day" we celebrate with our kids every year over a special dinner with a small gift exchange just coincidently around Valentines Day.  BUT, don't let any of that fool you because we DO NOT celebrate Valentines Day!

BIO MOM HAS STEP-MOM'S BACK

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Dealing with the Ex- Wife, Life as a Step-Mom, Step-kids

As a Step Mom, my role in disciplining my Step Kids has been different with each kid and changed as the kids have grown.  The biggest change has been with my Step Daughter Little Hart.  She was just two years old when we moved in together and is now almost fourteen. In Little Hart's younger years the bulk of her care fell to me and so did the bulk of the discipline.  We were very close during that time -  it was a natural fit.  

stock photo : Illustration of puffed up girl and her mother 

When Little Hart entered the teenage years, my husband took over the reigns of outlining and enforcing the rules of our house and the rules we have partnered with Greta as universal between households. When Little Hart asked to have a Facebook page, it was at an younger age than her siblings which gave us pause.  

CREATING BLENDED FAMILY TRADITIONS BUILDS FAMILY UNITY

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Blended Family Traditions, Holidays, Life as a Step-Mom, Step-kids

Creating traditions in our blended family gave us a launching pad for building our family unity and close relationships.  Two traditions we started early on have stuck with our family, movie night and bowling! The last two days of the Holiday break we were lucky enough to find time to do both with all three kids.  

Movies have been a big part of our family life.  Since the creation of our family, most nights we have watched a movie together. When the kids were younger, we would split the movie viewing over a couple of nights. The whole enchilada came as they've grown older.

Some movies we've seen a like million times - Home Alone! Ugh! Others we've had to negotiate with the kids - watch a 20 minute preview before they can say no to the particular film - never had a NO after the preview period.  Everyone in our family can repeat any number of favorite lines from hundreds of movie. No background information necessary - just the delivery of the line and we all chime in with the punch line. It's a language that created a bond that continues to grow with every laugh, thrill and cry we share.  

In fact, one of our family trips was inspired from a movie we watched together and the kids fell in love with - namely it's location.  The movie - Italian Job. The location - Venus, Italy.

SCHEDULE BRINGS COMFORT AND SECURITY FOR THE CHILD

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Blended Family Traditions, Holidays, Life as a Step-Mom, Step-kids

Our Christmas holiday has been a little upside down and every which way this year. We haven't quite got our groove with the new reality - one home from College determining his own schedule, one almost ready to leave the nest and our youngest - 14- still needing and wanting structure in a Holiday schedule. 

In years past, the schedule simply rotated from year to year  -  one family spent the week before Christmas through Christmas Day at two o'clock with the kids - the other family spent Christmas Day through New Years Day.  No negotiation, that was just the deal we had all agreed too.  Parents and kids looked forward to essentially a Holiday break from the divorce schedule. 

This year when we acknowledged Jax"s freedom to make his own schedule as an "adult" we indirectly gave that freedom to Little Hart 14.

HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS - FINDING BALANCE BETWEEN TWO HOMES

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Dealing with the Ex- Wife, Holidays, Life as a Step-Mom, Step-kids

Jax arrived home for Christmas Break 11 days ago.  So far, Jax has been strong and confident about where and how he is going to spend his time.  A 360 degree turn from the Thanksgiving Break. Long story short, Jax tried to please everyone, but himself. Doing the bulk of what others wanted and very little of what he wanted. He was frazzled and anxious by the time Sunday rolled around.

On Thanksgiving Sunday, Jax arrived at our house - twenty minutes before he had to leave for the airport. He took a quick shower - finished packing - leaving just a handful of minutes. Jax spent them sharing the latest sports news with Raylan.  As Jax left he looked at Raylan "Dad, I can't wait to watch a football game with you in the same room!" The door closed and he was gone.

Jax determining HIS own schedule was bound to come with some growing pains. 

ACKNOWLEDGE HURT FROM THE OTHER WOMAN AND MOVE ON

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Dealing with the Ex- Wife, Ex-Spouses, Life as a Step-Mom

It was my scheduled day to pick Little Hart up from school as it has been for years. I typically leave at 2:15 to make the 30 minute drive. Just before leaving I uploaded my post to Facebook when I noticed Little Hart's status posted two hours earlier: Can't wait to see my brother in 30 minutes! Um interesting, since Jax, home for less than 24 hours - left over two hours earlier to meet Greta for lunch.  No communication from anyone the lunch involved Little Hart.

I shared the status post with my Hubby, asking his guidance - he responded;" hold tight, Greta must of forgot to share with us the schedule change."  At 2:35 Greta called - she had taken Little Hart out of school to have lunch with her and Jax - he would bring her home. No need for me to pick Little Hart up. 

I quickly got off the phone - looked at Raylan - I guess I should feel lucky she even called.

OUR REAL LIFE "HOUSE" MYSTERY.........

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Blended Family Health Issues, Kid's illness

For the past two weeks it feels like our family has been in an episode of House, desperately trying to figure out the cause of Elle's mysterious symptoms; ringing in her left ear and pain on the left side of her head and neck.  It started the Tuesday before Thanksgiving and it's been a extreme gambit of emotions since then.

Elle has had a number of ear problems over the years including a burst eardrum, indented ear drum, too many ear infections to count. She has a high pain threshold which usually means that by the time she says something is hurting it's been going on a long time and will take a considerable amount of effort to remedy. We always know the source of the problem and how to fix.  Not so this time around.

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