It's Monday morning.......I woke up late - it's FREEZING - drinking a cup of hot black tea. It snowed Saturday - we weren't ready for it as is evident by all of the leaves that have yet to fall.
The snow weighs heavy on the tree branches as they struggle with the season change and I find myself identifying with the trees. I've been experiencing a lot of changes - a child leaving the nest for college - another one soon to follow - Little Hart my 14 year old spending more time in her other household.
For a month now, my Monday mornings have been filled with leisure. I should be excited and thankful from my reprieve from the typical morning activities of making breakfast and driving Little Hart to school thirty minutes away - instead I find myself feeling down. It's probably the entirety of all the changes, but nevertheless I do feel down.
It started about six weeks ago, Little Hart asked if Raylan and I would be ok with her Mom taking her to school on Monday mornings - just to try it out and see how it goes. Little Hart and Greta's relationship has been slowly growing and with that Greta's desire to have Little Hart spend more nights at her home.
After Little Hart's near death experience, she has been living with us full time. In the beginning, Greta visited her in our home and took her out for the occasional activity. That grew into Friday nights and then spending Friday/Saturday nights. When Little Hart announced her new plan we both enthusiastically supported the decision. This was a good thing for Little Hart.
On the logical side of things, I know Little Hart spending more time with Greta is something that she has longed for and needed for 12 years. Greta had her list of reasons why she didn't have time to spend with Little Hart - I chose to fill in the void. What little amount of time Greta did have available - it felt like she directed her sole attention on me - dictating what kind of relationship I could and couldn't have with Little Hart. Greta never discussed it directly with me, instead she called my Hubby "I don't want Lisa to do this with Little Hart - not talk about this....."
Raylan never agreed with Greta and never once asked me to change my relationship with Little Hart - he felt as I did that there was a void - Little Hart needed me and that outweighed Greta's feelings. It was a total mess! Little Hart was quick to pick up on the jealousy Greta had of my relationship with her - often times she would rub our relationship in Greta's face when Little Hart wasn't getting what she wanted and/or needed from Greta.
As Little Hart and Greta have become closer - I've noticed that Little Hart is often looking for things to take out of context to show her loyalty to Greta. It's strange to have a no nothing conversation with Little Hart and then I hear her in her room complaining to Greta on the phone "how she just can't take it anymore dealing with me!" I'm left scratching my head thinking "WTF??" Or Little Hart rewriting history between her and her Mom - ah the glory days!
I just keep my mouth shut - if Little Hart's chosen to pretend something happened differently from what really happened - it must be what she needs to comfort her and make sense of the unexplainable. I don't really believe that Greta's saying anything, but rather Little Hart knows how upsetting our relationship was to Greta in the past and this is her attempt to heal her Mom's wounds.
I try not to take it personally, but lets face it I'm human and it's unnatural not to take it personally - I let myself hurt in private - sometimes a major cry and then I let it go. I free myself for when I get a glimpse of the daughter and the relationship we once had.
I'm sure that over time the pendulum will swing back to somewhere in the middle - at least that's my hope. Just like the seasons change hopefully the situation will as well. If not, I know that I wouldn't change a thing in my relationship with Little Hart over the past twelve years. She needed me - whether Greta appreciates what I did for Little Hart or how much I helped the two of them rebuild their relationship doesn't really matter - I know!
Just like Little Hart needed me to step in twelve years ago - she needs me to fade into the background now. For the same reason I jumped in - I will now step back. It's what best for Little Hart as hard as it may be for me personally.