Master Blender Lisa has been Blending Her ONE with His FIVE for 18 years. With THREE Ex Spouses, THREE Step Parents and SIX kids we are living the Blended, Not Stirred dream. Is that even a thing?
All in Step-kids
Let’s talk sending your kid or step kid off to College this Fall!
You've probably been inundated with lists out there of what to send with your College bound kid. Having sent three kids off recently, I found three key things missing from any of the dozens of lists. Three things, that I consider an absolute MUST for parent sanity when sending our youngins' off to forage on their own.
I assumed that by the time I was entering into my 15th year of blended family bliss that our issues would be behind us - we would surely be fully blended by then. Boy was I wrong! THE BLENDER NEVER STOPS BLENDING! No matter how long you've been together! No matter how many storms you've weathered landing on the other side safely - there's always a new challenge waiting around the corner.
Some expected - some unexpected - some a complete blindside.
THE BLENDER NEVER STOPS
Our family life has faced major changes over the past two years. Two kids off to College - EXPECTED. Figuring out who I am AGAIN as an almost empty nester - UNEXPECTED. My lack of a relationship with my youngest Step Daughter - BLINDSIDE.
Twenty years ago I became a Mother for the first time. It was nine months in the making. Nine months with an up close and personal relationship with my shiny white toilet bowl. Many nights I wondered as I hugged the toilet bowl for dear life - what genius had coined the term morning sickness anyway? How dare they give an expectant mother a false sense of hope that it would magically stop when the clock struck noon. Try the stroke of Midnight with an emotionally spent expectant mother sobbing on the bathroom floor in complete darkness.
When we started our Blended Family, the kid's therapist recommended we do a baseline IQ test of our three youngest. The reasoning? Many times over the years she had witnessed teachers and administrators easily label kids if their square peg learning style didn't fit into a school's round whole approach. Little to do with a kids intelligence level, more of a way to make a kid the problem when their teaching style wasn't working.
When I said "I do" the first time around I relied on my trusty list. You know the list of logical - unemotional things I shared in common with my Ex. The list I thought guaranteed a good match in marriage. Top of my list - same religion. Growing up a Non-Mormon chick in a heavily populated Mormon state I was convinced a Mormon could never get someone like me.
A-SECOND-MARRIAGE-COUPLE-FIRST-PARENTS-SECOND
What I never took into account was did he make me laugh? Did he really get me? Mormon or not.
It's a fantasy that we all at some point entertain even if we don't say it out loud - wouldn't life be better, easier if the Ex just wasn't around? No more back and forth, constant negotiation, different house rules, splitting life smack dab down the middle...... It's not that we wish for harm to fall upon the Ex - we just wish for simple, easy. But life is never simple or easy - Ex or no Ex in your life.
If we didn't have the complications of a Blended Family to contend with - there inevitably would be something equally as challenging right there to take its place. My friends with families minus the Blended seem to have just as many issues as we do - just different issues - the key word being issues. Every family has issues.
Its been years since I've been to the "What If" scenario. So when the phone rang with news that Greta, Mom to Jax and Little Hart, had suffered a heart attack - I felt guilty for ever having entertained the thought.
When I became a mother, I planned on being the Cool Mom - you know the MOM my kids told me everything! They of course don't find me very cool, let alone share everything! So I've settled on trying to create an atmosphere where they can share anything even though it isn't everything.
I hate to admit it, but I've been watching Mrs. Eastwood and Company. It started out of flat out curiosity (Dirty Harry's wife after all) and, well, my secret love/addiction to reality TV. That initial curiosity quickly turned into a real love of the show in large part because I immediately identified with Dina Eastwood.
Dina is married to a older man with children from prior marriages/relationships. Although, Dina is a Step Mom to six kids, with a wide age difference - her blended family and child rearing has included one of Step Daughter - Francesca - a few years older than her own daughter she shares with Clint.
Dina and Clint have raised the two youngest girls as a family. Both Dina and Francesca are quick to point out that Francesca is close and spends time with her Mom. Right there the show had me - you can raise a close knit family and your kids can still have a healthy - positive relationship with the other parent!
Mrs. Eastwood and Company on E!
While I identified with Dina the real connection came when she said essentially - Francesca is my Step Daughter, but feels like my daughter in every way and one of my favorite people in this world! And there it was - I was totally hooked! I would absolutely say the exact thing about Little Hart.
I've been in a blended family for 13 years now and I am continually amazed at the judgement from some Bio Parents, a vocal minority(I'm hoping), expressing judgement over LOVE, specifically in reference to the Mom/child relationship I share with my Step Kids.
The notion that love between a parent and child is somehow wrong, disrespectful and/or disloyal to a Bio Parent if the love exchanged is between a Mom and kid has a Step or Bonus attached to it - drives me mildly insane! Insane because STEP or BONUS doesn't change the feeling of love or its legitamacy between the parent and child.
My three kids - Period!
I could ramble on about my relationship with my Step Kids, specifically my two youngest and all the reasons why sharing the parent/child relationship is a good thing for everyone involved, but I won't! Instead I'll talk about my own daughter who was thrust into a divorce and blended family situation by no choice of her own.
The Easter Bunny skipped hiding plastic eggs at our house this year - opting for an Easter gift. In years past, if we didn't have the kids - the Easter Bunny usually made a surprise visit the weekend before or after. You can click here to read a post I wrote last year about how we celebrated the Holiday.
This morning Raylan and I slept in late - woke up - looked at each other - commenting how nice it was that we hadn't been up all hours of the night assisting the Easter Bunny only to be woken up two hours later by three screaming kids - "The Easter Bunny came!!!!"
Over the years the night before Easter had become shorter and shorter thanks to Jax.
As a Step Mom, my role in disciplining my Step Kids has been different with each kid and changed as the kids have grown. The biggest change has been with my Step Daughter Little Hart. She was just two years old when we moved in together and is now almost fourteen. In Little Hart's younger years the bulk of her care fell to me and so did the bulk of the discipline. We were very close during that time - it was a natural fit.
When Little Hart entered the teenage years, my husband took over the reigns of outlining and enforcing the rules of our house and the rules we have partnered with Greta as universal between households. When Little Hart asked to have a Facebook page, it was at an younger age than her siblings which gave us pause.
Creating traditions in our blended family gave us a launching pad for building our family unity and close relationships. Two traditions we started early on have stuck with our family, movie night and bowling! The last two days of the Holiday break we were lucky enough to find time to do both with all three kids.
Movies have been a big part of our family life. Since the creation of our family, most nights we have watched a movie together. When the kids were younger, we would split the movie viewing over a couple of nights. The whole enchilada came as they've grown older.
Some movies we've seen a like million times - Home Alone! Ugh! Others we've had to negotiate with the kids - watch a 20 minute preview before they can say no to the particular film - never had a NO after the preview period. Everyone in our family can repeat any number of favorite lines from hundreds of movie. No background information necessary - just the delivery of the line and we all chime in with the punch line. It's a language that created a bond that continues to grow with every laugh, thrill and cry we share.
In fact, one of our family trips was inspired from a movie we watched together and the kids fell in love with - namely it's location. The movie - Italian Job. The location - Venus, Italy.
