Master Blender Lisa has been Blending Her ONE with His FIVE for 18 years. With THREE Ex Spouses, THREE Step Parents and SIX kids we are living the Blended, Not Stirred dream. Is that even a thing?
All in Step Families
Let’s talk sending your kid or step kid off to College this Fall!
You've probably been inundated with lists out there of what to send with your College bound kid. Having sent three kids off recently, I found three key things missing from any of the dozens of lists. Three things, that I consider an absolute MUST for parent sanity when sending our youngins' off to forage on their own.
Twenty years ago I became a Mother for the first time. It was nine months in the making. Nine months with an up close and personal relationship with my shiny white toilet bowl. Many nights I wondered as I hugged the toilet bowl for dear life - what genius had coined the term morning sickness anyway? How dare they give an expectant mother a false sense of hope that it would magically stop when the clock struck noon. Try the stroke of Midnight with an emotionally spent expectant mother sobbing on the bathroom floor in complete darkness.
An open letter from a Mom to the StepMom a few weeks ago went viral and with it the implication a Mom and StepMom's ideal relationship should be that of two Besties. While in theory it sounds like a reachable goal, reality paints a far more challenging picture that has all the makings of friendship never happening. The better alternative, the one more likely to succeed is creating an atmosphere of Friendly Not Friends With The Ex.
When I was young I had full blown panic attacks at bedtime - I was afraid I would close my eyes and never wake up - be all alone in total blackness. As much as my parents tried to console me - tell me I wasn't going to die until I was old and gray and when I did it wouldn't be blackness, but something rather beautiful - I just couldn't wrap my head around how that could be possible.
Hers, His and Ours - I'M NOT AFRAID OF THE DARK ANYMORE. HOW DEATH SHAPED MY BLENDED FAMILY.
Writing my blog has never been a secret, but it wasn't something that I felt I needed to broadcast five years ago to the THREE EX WIVES in my life. Nor did I want or need to get their permission. No, my Hubby didn't pick up another Ex Wife; my Ex Husband did which brings a total of THREE onto the scene.
Every New Years Day I make a resolution; THIS is THE YEAR I'm going to lose my extra 10 pounds! Only to find myself every New Years Eve still holding out hope that those ten pounds will magically disappear at the stroke of midnight! Then there's my 7 resolutions I make as a Wife, Mom and StepMom that bears repeating year after year. Following them religiously makes my life as a Blended Wife and Mama a much happier one.
1. Give your StepKids a break when they screw up from time to time.
One of my favorite things to do around this time of year is browse through "Oprah's Favorite Things" List. For many years, I've entertained the idea of doing one of my own. So on that note, here is my first go around of sharing some of my Favorite Things. A combination of favorite gifts I've received to favorite things that make our Family Holiday Breakfasts more fun and enjoyable.
Brain Surgery Part 1:
You go through life making choices all day long. Lots of small ones and on occasion some really BIG ones - like what to make for dinner. Ok, I struggle with that one quite often, but honestly I'm talking the really important decisions; the ones we make for our children. What school should I send my little angel to next fall? When can they go on their first date? Should I get divorced?
HersHisandOurs.com - Monday-Morning-Quarterback
As a divorced Mom, married to a Man with Kids, I've had the benefit(drama/pain in the ass) of most of my decisions second guessed and debated by the Monday Morning Quarterback - an Ex Spouse, their current Spouse, Ex Wives and their current spouse........ Then you answer the phone one afternoon and realize that none of those decisions really mattered. Whatever control you thought you had when it came to your kids was all just an illusion.
When I divorced my Ex Husband 19 years ago, my Mama Bear mentality went into overdrive. I was convinced that I was the only person who could love and protect Elle. Add to that my need to prove - I'm a good Mom even if I did divorce the father of my child....... My mantra became - Cross my kid - I'll make your life a living HELL!
Divorced Mom = Mama Bear on steroids! GRRR!!!
It's not just Divorced Moms, Divorced Dad's pretty much fall into the same trap when protecting their young.
Last week Dylan Farrow set off a fire storm when she penned an open letter about the abuse she suffered at the hands of Woody Allen. Woody responded with a letter of his own defending himself. Dylan responded with her response to his response. The he said/she said brought back memories of my daughter's journey five years ago after suffering emotional and physical abuse in her Dad's home. Although, not played out in the court of public opinion - who you believe becomes an issue in any accusation of abuse. You can read about Elle's by clicking here. 
HATE ALLOW REVICTIMIZATION - HERS, HIS AND OURS
Children of divorced parents - perhaps living in one or two blended families have yet another layer of complication to navigate if abuse is suspected.
I've been feeling very apathetic for a number of months in case you couldn't tell from my infrequent posting. If I had to put my finger on it, it's been the change in our family structure as of late. Our three youngest are not quite so young anymore. Two are off at college out of state - their rooms sit dark seven days a week. Our baby of the family just turned 16 - her room sits dark except from midnight to 3 am half the week! I know change comes whether I like it or not! This time around I seem to be having a harder time accepting life has moved on.....
If times goes by in a hurry for parents who are lucky enough to raise their kids everyday for eighteen years - it's on warp speed when you only have them half the time.
It's a fantasy that we all at some point entertain even if we don't say it out loud - wouldn't life be better, easier if the Ex just wasn't around? No more back and forth, constant negotiation, different house rules, splitting life smack dab down the middle...... It's not that we wish for harm to fall upon the Ex - we just wish for simple, easy. But life is never simple or easy - Ex or no Ex in your life.
If we didn't have the complications of a Blended Family to contend with - there inevitably would be something equally as challenging right there to take its place. My friends with families minus the Blended seem to have just as many issues as we do - just different issues - the key word being issues. Every family has issues.
Its been years since I've been to the "What If" scenario. So when the phone rang with news that Greta, Mom to Jax and Little Hart, had suffered a heart attack - I felt guilty for ever having entertained the thought.
