Master Blender Lisa has been Blending Her ONE with His FIVE for 18 years. With THREE Ex Spouses, THREE Step Parents and SIX kids we are living the Blended, Not Stirred dream. Is that even a thing?
All in Ex-Spouses
I officially became Raylan's 3rd Wife and he my 2nd Husband. You might not have realized that society has an unwritten rule, if you’ve ever been married before your Spouse comes with a chronological distinction.
Which got me wondering, will there ever come a day when Raylan is just my Husband and me his Wife? Or will our marriage forever be viewed as less than ideal because it didn't come first?
When I divorced my Ex Husband 20 years ago, he threatened to make sure our daughter knew who "I really was." Not surprising his view wasn't particularly flattering. Several months later he jumped into a relationship with his now former Wife and Elle's former Step Mom, Malus. In short order, Malus self appointed herself the enforcer of my Ex Husband's promise and took over 99% of his parenting duties. Which by default meant I was co-parenting with a narcissist that was not my Ex.
Co Parenting With A Narcissist That Is Not Your Ex
I didn't immediately see that Malus was a narcissist. Initially she seduced me into thinking she was my friend, greatest ally - bringing me into her inner circle. The circle that the outside world never sees because otherwise they would be total outcasts. The circle that becomes a nightmare once you're inside.
"She turned the lights off - we were in complete darkness." Michele(Dance Instructor) said "close your eyes - relax your body - go to your happiest memory." "It probably sounds corny, but my mind immediately went to the day I saw you walk out the doors of the airport."
Elle didn't have to say another word - I knew exactly what she was talking about and I my eyes filled with tears. The scene from an airport
I remember the day Raylan's Ex Wife (one of them) said I feel like Lisa has totally REPLACED me - Raylan and I were not married, nor living together. It had come on the heels of Raylan telling Greta how happy we were to be taking the next step - living together.
With one brush Greta had tagged me as Raylan's Replacement Wife. A woman stepping into her shoes; the ones she no longer wanted to wear, but didn't want anyone else to wear either. Only to me, I didn't feel like I had replaced her, nor Raylan's other Ex Wife - I had brought my own pair of shoes to wear to my own party. People from her life were apart of the new life Raylan and I had created - I was not apart of the life she had chosen to leave behind.
As an Ex Wife myself - divorced from my Ex Husband 17 years now - I don't recall feeling like Dick's Wife had replaced me. It didn't mean I wasn't innocent in discounting her role.
Ever notice that whenever someone either writes or talks about divorce there is always those vocal group of perfectionists letting all of us who are divorced know that we are, well, quitters? Opining that we divorcees like to take the easy way out in life, while they meanwhile do all the hard work by staying married.
Never for one moment have I entertained the notion that I somehow took the easy way out by divorcing my first Husband. FIVE reasons why Divorce is never the EASY choice:
Writing my blog has never been a secret, but it wasn't something that I felt I needed to broadcast five years ago to the THREE EX WIVES in my life. Nor did I want or need to get their permission. No, my Hubby didn't pick up another Ex Wife; my Ex Husband did which brings a total of THREE onto the scene.
Every New Years Day I make a resolution; THIS is THE YEAR I'm going to lose my extra 10 pounds! Only to find myself every New Years Eve still holding out hope that those ten pounds will magically disappear at the stroke of midnight! Then there's my 7 resolutions I make as a Wife, Mom and StepMom that bears repeating year after year. Following them religiously makes my life as a Blended Wife and Mama a much happier one.
1. Give your StepKids a break when they screw up from time to time.
Brain Surgery Part 1:
You go through life making choices all day long. Lots of small ones and on occasion some really BIG ones - like what to make for dinner. Ok, I struggle with that one quite often, but honestly I'm talking the really important decisions; the ones we make for our children. What school should I send my little angel to next fall? When can they go on their first date? Should I get divorced?
HersHisandOurs.com - Monday-Morning-Quarterback
As a divorced Mom, married to a Man with Kids, I've had the benefit(drama/pain in the ass) of most of my decisions second guessed and debated by the Monday Morning Quarterback - an Ex Spouse, their current Spouse, Ex Wives and their current spouse........ Then you answer the phone one afternoon and realize that none of those decisions really mattered. Whatever control you thought you had when it came to your kids was all just an illusion.
Five years ago Dick threw Elle out of his house in a drunken rage - telling her to never come back. She never did. They had not talked since that day until two weeks ago.
My third Mother's Day, my Ex Husband Dick was living with his girlfriend(now former wife) who he had bestowed upon her the title of MOM to our daughter. I had unceremoniously been demoted to the Lisa (The Pesky Bio Mom he tolerated thanks to the legal system). That particular Mother Day's fell on my Ex Husband's weekend. Which made me all the more adamant that I would get MY time with My daughter on that one Sunday in May if it killed me.
I've-been-lucky-to-be-apart-of-raising-three-kids. One Bio - Two Step. Hers-His-And-Ours.
I was laser focused on proving to myself - to my Ex Husband - to his Wife and anyone that would listen really that I was in fact THE MOM. What better way to do that than on the one day designed specifically for Mom's - Mother's Day! Showcase my Momness while the world is watching.
It's a fantasy that we all at some point entertain even if we don't say it out loud - wouldn't life be better, easier if the Ex just wasn't around? No more back and forth, constant negotiation, different house rules, splitting life smack dab down the middle...... It's not that we wish for harm to fall upon the Ex - we just wish for simple, easy. But life is never simple or easy - Ex or no Ex in your life.
If we didn't have the complications of a Blended Family to contend with - there inevitably would be something equally as challenging right there to take its place. My friends with families minus the Blended seem to have just as many issues as we do - just different issues - the key word being issues. Every family has issues.
Its been years since I've been to the "What If" scenario. So when the phone rang with news that Greta, Mom to Jax and Little Hart, had suffered a heart attack - I felt guilty for ever having entertained the thought.
Last Fall, Little Hart came home from school - announcing in a strong, confident tone that she wanted to legally change her middle name to Mary after her deceased Grandma, Raylan's mother. Surprised, Raylan asked why she had decided on Mary? Little Hart responded that her and a friend were talking about possible middle names when he looked at her and said "What About Mary?"
"I just knew it Dad, I want my middle name to be Mary after Grandma." While my Hubby was moved and on board with Little Hart's request - he was only half of the equation - to legally change her name, Greta would have to agree.
