Master Blender Lisa has been Blending Her ONE with His FIVE for 18 years. With THREE Ex Spouses, THREE Step Parents and SIX kids we are living the Blended, Not Stirred dream. Is that even a thing?
All in Marriage
I officially became Raylan's 3rd Wife and he my 2nd Husband. You might not have realized that society has an unwritten rule, if you’ve ever been married before your Spouse comes with a chronological distinction.
Which got me wondering, will there ever come a day when Raylan is just my Husband and me his Wife? Or will our marriage forever be viewed as less than ideal because it didn't come first?
Ever notice that whenever someone either writes or talks about divorce there is always those vocal group of perfectionists letting all of us who are divorced know that we are, well, quitters? Opining that we divorcees like to take the easy way out in life, while they meanwhile do all the hard work by staying married.
Never for one moment have I entertained the notion that I somehow took the easy way out by divorcing my first Husband. FIVE reasons why Divorce is never the EASY choice:
A few months back I was drawn into Fawn Weaver talking about her book Happy Wives Club. I remember thinking at the time that a Happy Wife - Happy Marriage is universal no matter the number attached to the front of your marriage.
When I hit my 15th anniversary last week I decided like any good wife to crack open this book to reaffirm just what a Happy Wife I am and the The Happy Marriage Raylan and I share.
Every word and sentiment seemed to resonate with me until I was struck hard by the words from a Husband in a happy, long term marriage - a sentiment shared with the author:
If you marry the right person - marriage isn't work.
When I divorced my Ex Husband 19 years ago, my Mama Bear mentality went into overdrive. I was convinced that I was the only person who could love and protect Elle. Add to that my need to prove - I'm a good Mom even if I did divorce the father of my child....... My mantra became - Cross my kid - I'll make your life a living HELL!
Divorced Mom = Mama Bear on steroids! GRRR!!!
It's not just Divorced Moms, Divorced Dad's pretty much fall into the same trap when protecting their young.
Nineteen years ago I remember sitting next to my brother Jasper's bed as he lay in the ICU. The snow was softly falling without making a sound - it was deafening silent and yet peaceful and comforting at the same time. Inside the sound of his breathing machine hissed as it pumped up and down - the only thing keeping him alive. Three weeks earlier my brother walked into the emergency room complaining he couldn't breath. He would die TWICE on the table that day. Little did we know then that his life was spared only temporarily.
What do you say to your brother knowing it will be the last words he'll ever hear from you?
I've been feeling very apathetic for a number of months in case you couldn't tell from my infrequent posting. If I had to put my finger on it, it's been the change in our family structure as of late. Our three youngest are not quite so young anymore. Two are off at college out of state - their rooms sit dark seven days a week. Our baby of the family just turned 16 - her room sits dark except from midnight to 3 am half the week! I know change comes whether I like it or not! This time around I seem to be having a harder time accepting life has moved on.....
If times goes by in a hurry for parents who are lucky enough to raise their kids everyday for eighteen years - it's on warp speed when you only have them half the time.
Whether I'm 5 or 46 there's just sometimes when I need to hear THE VOICE OF MOM on the other end of the line. It could be that I have some fantastic news to share - devastating news or no news at all! Mostly I take comfort in the fact that day or night I can call my Mom if I want and she'll answer! It's the same relationship I have with my daughter Elle. Five years ago - not so much!
THE VOICE OF MOM
Immediately when I heard about the bombings in Boston - I felt a personal connection with my daughter living back East. I immediately called and texted Elle to "check in" - when she didn't pick up my heart started racing.
Today is the Wednesday before Valentines Day. Like clockwork, my Valentine's Day Boycotting Hubby sends me a incredibly large, beautiful bouquet the DAY BEFORE V Day! In 14 years a flower delivery has been sent, but never and I mean NEVER arriving on Valentines Day! The card always says "I Love You" and his follow up is "Happy Whatever Day Of The Week" it happens to be - just not Happy Valentines Day.
So while I should have expected my "unexpected" flower delivery today I wasn't really thinking about it. The door bell rang - I saw a man in black and my immediate thought was - damn it's the Cops again! I thought my 12 day standoff had finally ended last night and yet here they were on my doorstep again. Ugh!!!
Today is my 12th Wedding Anniversary to Raylan - our 13th Anniversary as a Blended Family. Unlike a lot of second marriages we chose to celebrate our marriage in a fashion that mirrored one of a first marriage rather than a second or third. Our thought was - it was a celebration of our love so why should we feel ashamed that we had to travel through a number of obstacles to get here! If anything those obstacles have made our love even sweeter.
Raylan and I are celebrating our anniversary this year in Calgary, Alberta, Canada with my sister-in-law and her extended family. Calgary and our family here hold a special place in our heart - this was where we got engaged. This past week we have been reminiscing about memories we've shared these past twelve years. One of my favorite memories was when we meet my nephew Frank, my niece and their family in Italy four years ago. Our kids are close in age and share similar interests so it was a perfect fit.
Frank was born and raised in a small village in Italy, but moved to Calgary when he was a teenager. Every few years he returns home with his own family to visit his hometown. We were extremely honored when Frank invited our family to join his on the visit four years ago.
Last month when I was in NYC with Elle celebrating her 18th birthday she told me "I don't think I'll ever get married!" I immediately said "Whaaaaat? Why?" She said in a nutshell that my marriage to Raylan was one success story compared to the four failed marriages in her life. The odds were more likely that if she married it wouldn't last - so why try? If I let my guilt machine kick in I would have immediately taken all responsibility for this train of thought - then I stopped myself.
From the very beginning, my Hubby made it clear that he hated Valentines Day so don't expect anything from him. His philosophy was two fold. First, if he needed a day to tell me he loved me then he wasn't doing a very good job the rest of the year. Second, he's likened the Holiday to sanctioned extortion - either you buy your wife a gift or pay the consequences for not doing so!
In all honesty it never really bugged me - maybe it's the two bouquet of flowers he has sent me every single year for 13 years - three days before Valentines Day, but NEVER on V Day! Or the "Just Because I Love You Day" we celebrate with our kids every year over a special dinner with a small gift exchange just coincidently around Valentines Day. BUT, don't let any of that fool you because we DO NOT celebrate Valentines Day!
Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you I had no control over - Unknown
