All in Blended Families

WHY DOES LOVE BETWEEN A MOM AND CHILD BECOME WRONG WHEN YOU ATTACH STEP TO IT?

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Divorce, Life as a Step-Mom, Step-kids

I've been in a blended family for 13 years now and I am continually amazed at the judgement from some Bio Parents, a vocal minority(I'm hoping), expressing judgement over LOVE, specifically in reference to the Mom/child relationship I share with my Step Kids.  

The notion that love between a parent and child is somehow wrong, disrespectful and/or disloyal to a Bio Parent if the love exchanged is between a Mom and kid has a Step or Bonus attached to it - drives me mildly insane! Insane because STEP or BONUS doesn't change the feeling of love or its legitamacy between the parent and child. 

My three kids - Period!

I could ramble on about my relationship with my Step Kids, specifically my two youngest and all the reasons why sharing the parent/child relationship is a good thing for everyone involved, but I won't! Instead I'll talk about my own daughter who was thrust into a divorce and blended family situation by no choice of her own.

ELEVEN THINGS I WISH I KNEW BEFORE I MARRIED MY HUBBY

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Life as a Step-Mom, Step-parenting

When I agreed to marry Raylan, we had been living together for six months - attempting to blend our three youngest on a 50/50 schedule.  Halle and John lived in an apartment nearby. Chris lived with his Mom an hour away - spending the occasional weekend.  I thought I knew exactly what I was getting into when I agreed to marry my Hubby. Then life took over and I realized I knew nothing about the life I had chosen. 

THE SUN SETS IN THE WEST

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Blended Family Traditions

Last week Raylan and I made a trip to Kauai to sell the contents of our vacation condo we owned before the new owners took possession. As much as we would have loved to keep it - it was quickly becoming a choice between our kids College education or a home we visit once a year.  

It seemed like a no brainer thousands of miles away - until we walked through the front door - It looked AAAMAZINGGGG! Tears started to well up in my eyes as I looked around - a rush of memories came crashing down on me like a gigantic wave.  Maybe it wasn't going to be as easy as I thought..... 

PLAYING IT SAFE

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Divorce, Marriage , Step-parenting

Last month when I was in NYC with Elle celebrating her 18th birthday she told me "I don't think I'll ever get married!" I immediately said "Whaaaaat? Why?" She said in a nutshell that my marriage to Raylan was one success story compared to the four failed marriages in her life.  The odds were more likely that if she married it wouldn't last - so why try? If I let my guilt machine kick in I would have immediately taken all responsibility for this train of thought - then I stopped myself.  

WE STILL HAVE ISSUES IN OUR BLENDED FAMILY AND THAT'S A GOOD THING!

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Blended Family Health Issues, Dealing with the Ex- Wife, Divorce, Emotional Baggage, Kid's illness, Life as a Step-Mom

This month marks the 2nd anniversary of Little Hart's brush with death. We sat by her bedside watching the respirator take her every breath - wondering if she would ever tell another funny story that made us laugh uncontrollably, inform us she was not going to do this, that or the other (she's so damn stubborn!) or be able to say "I Love You Mom and Dad."

Little Hart and her BFF from the hospital

Greta, Raylan and I sat in a small ICU room for NINE days and nights - all unified in praying for a miracle. One arrived on day six when she the turned a corner.  A lot of things in our Blended Family Life were forever changed after those nine days.

THE WEDDING RING - A SYMBOL OF FAILURE OR LOVE?

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Divorce, Emotional Baggage, Ex-Spouses

When I divorced Dick, 17 years ago this month, I shared my plans to give my wedding ring to our daughter Elle when she turned 18.  Dick responded in a sarcastic, bitter, angry tone "Sounds like a great idea!  Elle here's a symbol of your parents FAILED marriage!!" I responded "No, here's a symbol that your Dad and I loved each other once!" 

Dick and I never discussed the ring again. Many years ago I shared with Elle my intentions to give her the ring. I don't remember the exact conversation other than we both knew that the ring belonged to her and that Grandma(my Mom) was keeping it in a safe until she turned 18.

BIO MOM HAS STEP-MOM'S BACK

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Dealing with the Ex- Wife, Life as a Step-Mom, Step-kids

As a Step Mom, my role in disciplining my Step Kids has been different with each kid and changed as the kids have grown.  The biggest change has been with my Step Daughter Little Hart.  She was just two years old when we moved in together and is now almost fourteen. In Little Hart's younger years the bulk of her care fell to me and so did the bulk of the discipline.  We were very close during that time -  it was a natural fit.  

stock photo : Illustration of puffed up girl and her mother 

When Little Hart entered the teenage years, my husband took over the reigns of outlining and enforcing the rules of our house and the rules we have partnered with Greta as universal between households. When Little Hart asked to have a Facebook page, it was at an younger age than her siblings which gave us pause.  

CREATING BLENDED FAMILY TRADITIONS BUILDS FAMILY UNITY

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Blended Family Traditions, Holidays, Life as a Step-Mom, Step-kids

Creating traditions in our blended family gave us a launching pad for building our family unity and close relationships.  Two traditions we started early on have stuck with our family, movie night and bowling! The last two days of the Holiday break we were lucky enough to find time to do both with all three kids.  

Movies have been a big part of our family life.  Since the creation of our family, most nights we have watched a movie together. When the kids were younger, we would split the movie viewing over a couple of nights. The whole enchilada came as they've grown older.

Some movies we've seen a like million times - Home Alone! Ugh! Others we've had to negotiate with the kids - watch a 20 minute preview before they can say no to the particular film - never had a NO after the preview period.  Everyone in our family can repeat any number of favorite lines from hundreds of movie. No background information necessary - just the delivery of the line and we all chime in with the punch line. It's a language that created a bond that continues to grow with every laugh, thrill and cry we share.  

In fact, one of our family trips was inspired from a movie we watched together and the kids fell in love with - namely it's location.  The movie - Italian Job. The location - Venus, Italy.

SCHEDULE BRINGS COMFORT AND SECURITY FOR THE CHILD

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Blended Family Traditions, Holidays, Life as a Step-Mom, Step-kids

Our Christmas holiday has been a little upside down and every which way this year. We haven't quite got our groove with the new reality - one home from College determining his own schedule, one almost ready to leave the nest and our youngest - 14- still needing and wanting structure in a Holiday schedule. 

In years past, the schedule simply rotated from year to year  -  one family spent the week before Christmas through Christmas Day at two o'clock with the kids - the other family spent Christmas Day through New Years Day.  No negotiation, that was just the deal we had all agreed too.  Parents and kids looked forward to essentially a Holiday break from the divorce schedule. 

This year when we acknowledged Jax"s freedom to make his own schedule as an "adult" we indirectly gave that freedom to Little Hart 14.

HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS - FINDING BALANCE BETWEEN TWO HOMES

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Dealing with the Ex- Wife, Holidays, Life as a Step-Mom, Step-kids

Jax arrived home for Christmas Break 11 days ago.  So far, Jax has been strong and confident about where and how he is going to spend his time.  A 360 degree turn from the Thanksgiving Break. Long story short, Jax tried to please everyone, but himself. Doing the bulk of what others wanted and very little of what he wanted. He was frazzled and anxious by the time Sunday rolled around.

On Thanksgiving Sunday, Jax arrived at our house - twenty minutes before he had to leave for the airport. He took a quick shower - finished packing - leaving just a handful of minutes. Jax spent them sharing the latest sports news with Raylan.  As Jax left he looked at Raylan "Dad, I can't wait to watch a football game with you in the same room!" The door closed and he was gone.

Jax determining HIS own schedule was bound to come with some growing pains. 

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