All tagged Ex-Spouses

"She turned the lights off - we were in complete darkness."  Michele(Dance Instructor) said "close your eyes - relax your body - go to your happiest memory." "It probably sounds corny, but my mind immediately went to the day I saw you walk out the doors of the airport."

Elle didn't have to say another word - I knew exactly what she was talking about and I my eyes filled with tears.  The scene from an airport

Ever notice that whenever someone either writes or talks about divorce there is always those vocal group of perfectionists letting all of us who are divorced know that we are, well, quitters? Opining that we divorcees like to take the easy way out in life, while they meanwhile do all the hard work by staying married.  

Never for one moment have I entertained the notion that I somehow took the easy way out by divorcing my first Husband.  FIVE reasons why Divorce is never the EASY choice:

When I divorced Dick, 17 years ago this month, I shared my plans to give my wedding ring to our daughter Elle when she turned 18.  Dick responded in a sarcastic, bitter, angry tone "Sounds like a great idea!  Elle here's a symbol of your parents FAILED marriage!!" I responded "No, here's a symbol that your Dad and I loved each other once!" 

Dick and I never discussed the ring again. Many years ago I shared with Elle my intentions to give her the ring. I don't remember the exact conversation other than we both knew that the ring belonged to her and that Grandma(my Mom) was keeping it in a safe until she turned 18.



My daughter Elle is now a Senior in High School - busy filling out College applications - dreaming about the next phase of her life. Last week Elle's high school emailed a picture of Elle in her graduation gown. Turns out the school emailed the picture to my Ex - Elle's Father. It prompted Dick to leave me a very long winded message.  In a nutshell he said;  

  • "WE did a good job of raising her - even though he hasn't seen her or talked for over two years
  • He believes that Elle hasn't been involved in his life for two years because of what went on between Elle and Malus.  Elle just used him as a gateway to get out of his home -  that's ok though that's what he's there for

We had survived something together.  It had bonded us as a group or so I thought.  Turns out it was a temporary situation. Temporary for our youngest Little Hart.

When Raylan, me, Jax and Greta had travelled twice before Jax had handled the situation so well, it never crossed my mind that this might be a problem for Little Hart.  I didn't factor in that she was four years younger and had never been with both parents for longer than an hour her whole life.  Add to that the dynamic of Jax leaving, a relatively new relationship with her Mom and having her Mom all to herself without Greta's three younger kids.  It was a perfect storm. A storm that I never saw coming nor did I realize the above factors as the reason for the storm until later.

It started out subtle, Little Hart responding with an edge and occasional biting comment directed mostly at Elle, occasionally me.  As the comments grew in frequency everything in my body wanted to say to Little Hart STOP IT!  Had it been just our family - I would have in a heartbeat.  Yet with Greta there I felt restrained.  Neither Raylan or Greta said a word.  And I felt like my mouth was wired shut.

Later I expressed my concerns to Raylan.  He downplayed it, attributed it to the girls "normal" dynamic - it would pass.  Which made me feel even more restrained from saying something. We were all gathered there for Jax - I didn't want to be seen as the one ruining the trip for defending my daughter that no one else thought needed defending.  So I kept it shut and felt like the worlds worst mother in doing so.


I've been divorced from Dick for 16 years now. Up until the past few weeks I don't remember the last time he's said a kind word to me. Instead every word out of his mouth has been laced with negativity about; my parenting, my life, my family and that I'm just a POS. He's varied it from being said to my face, behind my back or directly to Elle. I'm a big girl and can handle the talk, but Elle, well that's a different story. For as long as she can remember, Dick has lobbied her pretty much non-stop to see the "truth" about me, with the sole intent to build up his own ego "thank god Elle that you have me!" He has never been able to grasp the point that Elle is apart of me and thus, all of his negativity toward me, directed at Elle has had a direct correlation on her own self worth and self esteem.

Elle's Reflects

When Elle left Dick's house almost two years ago, my initial thought was this is temporary. This isn't Dick, he's got a drinking problem, he'll get help and this nightmare will be over.

I was out of town and had called to check-in with Elle. I cried as Elle told me what had happened from the bathroom stall of a local restaurant.

The first thing I said is "This isn't your Dad, this is a person with a substance abuse problem." Second, why are you in the bathroom of a restaurant telling me this? Elle said "Malus doesn't want me to tell you or anybody else what happened. I'm supposed to keep it a secret." And right there was the biggest problem not only for my child, but for her Dad.