Master Blender Lisa has been Blending Her ONE with His FIVE for 18 years. With THREE Ex Spouses, THREE Step Parents and SIX kids we are living the Blended, Not Stirred dream. Is that even a thing?
All in Blended Families
We've been a little jumpy this past week. So when the doorbell rang at 11:30 Saturday night, I was a little nervous. It was pitch black outside, whoever was out there could see all the lights on inside the house - it was lit up like a Christmas tree. Can't pretend we're not home. Should I call the cops?
I walked over to the front door - turned on the outside lights - looked out the window and there were two city cops standing on my front porch.
Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you I had no control over - Unknown
Today is Step Family Day and like most of the blended family "celebration days," I'm just figuring out they existed after being in one for twelve years. I probably would have let this one pass had I not tuned into the Dr. Laura Berman radio show yesterday on my drive home. Dr. Berman mentioned that Step Family Day was Friday - wanted to know how people felt positive or negative.
Granted I didn't listen to the entire show, but it did seem like the majority of the comments were weighted to the down side of being in a blended family. Something that is really easy to do - having done it myself for years! As I was listening to one woman in particular go on for what seemed like an eternity about her step kids; how much she did for them, how glad she was to have a break - I found myself identifying with the woman. I've had those days myself.
Finally, Dr. Berman responded, suggesting a multitude of things to the woman. What resonated with me was her suggestion that perhaps part of the woman's frustration in dealing with her step kids, may be less about her step kids and more about them being, well......KIDS! There's a lightening bolt! Dr. Berman went on to say sometimes after a weekend with her OWN kids, she kisses the floor when she gets to work Monday morning.
There were no tears shed when we dropped Jax off three weeks ago - only a blanket of sadness as we left town without him. In the back of everyone's mind we had Labor Day.
Jax and Elle the early years
It was like a lot of other goodbyes over the years. He was simply on vacation with his other family for a few weeks - not living in another state. It clearly had not sunk in.
Long before Jax had left, he planned to fly home for the Labor Day weekend to spend with our extended family. It was a tradition started by my parents long before Raylan and I created our Family of Five. When we introduced Jax to the tradition he had an immediate connection with the tradition and the family dynamics.
Jax's first day of dorm life was a lot like his first day of preschool. The door to his room had two paper basketball jerseys taped to the door - one with Jax's name and the other - Drew - his roommate. Ahh! So cute! We all had the same butterflies, emotions about leaving our baby for the first time only this time around we wouldn't be picking him up in four hours - it would be four years!
All five of us followed him into his dorm room, his roommate had yet to arrive. We filled up the entire room. All of his stuff is neatly stacked thanks to the awesome guys that unloaded our car and delivered it to his room. We quickly make a list of things we still need to purchase. We all offer one by one to make his bed, put clothes away - Jax refuses any help. Wants to do it himself! A shock to Greta and me since he's never done either in 18 years. Just sayin!
We had survived something together. It had bonded us as a group or so I thought. Turns out it was a temporary situation. Temporary for our youngest Little Hart.
When Raylan, me, Jax and Greta had travelled twice before Jax had handled the situation so well, it never crossed my mind that this might be a problem for Little Hart. I didn't factor in that she was four years younger and had never been with both parents for longer than an hour her whole life. Add to that the dynamic of Jax leaving, a relatively new relationship with her Mom and having her Mom all to herself without Greta's three younger kids. It was a perfect storm. A storm that I never saw coming nor did I realize the above factors as the reason for the storm until later.
It started out subtle, Little Hart responding with an edge and occasional biting comment directed mostly at Elle, occasionally me. As the comments grew in frequency everything in my body wanted to say to Little Hart STOP IT! Had it been just our family - I would have in a heartbeat. Yet with Greta there I felt restrained. Neither Raylan or Greta said a word. And I felt like my mouth was wired shut.
Later I expressed my concerns to Raylan. He downplayed it, attributed it to the girls "normal" dynamic - it would pass. Which made me feel even more restrained from saying something. We were all gathered there for Jax - I didn't want to be seen as the one ruining the trip for defending my daughter that no one else thought needed defending. So I kept it shut and felt like the worlds worst mother in doing so.
When I shared with my Hubby the "that should be interesting" comment he shot back "I hope it's interesting in a positive way!" There's a positive and a negative interesting? Didn't know.
It wasn't an uncomfortable, akward silence nor was it a relaxed atmosphere either. We had a rhythm as our Team/Family of Five and Jax, Little Hart and Greta had their Family/Team rhythm. Jax and Little Hart were caught in between - am I this kid or that kid. It would take a few for all of us to adjust to the different makeup and find a new one - all it's own for this temporary scenario.
Things started to loosen up with the commencement of the the Hartman Family Game aka the Yellow Car Game. Everyone except me was playing including Greta. I stopped playing years ago to referee who belt out the Ye first. It's a game my Hubby says "we're always playing!" Don't enter vehicle unless you can handle the pressure. Raylan happens to be just a tad bit competitive or is that Jax or maybe it's Little Hart? Gee I wonder where they get that from????
A few hours in something interesting happened! We had stopped for lunch and to fill up our gas guzzler - Raylan and I had rented a Yukon XL to transport all of us and our baggage for the trip. It was a big mother. Eventually, we were back on the road maybe 5 minutes, when the car swayed just ever so slightly. The girls yelled out a loud, sharp "Dad!!" It's not uncommon thing for Raylan to mess around.
Raylan: I'm seriously not doing anything!
Girls(indignant): Sure Dad.
Raylan: Um --- we have a tire problem
Ten seconds later our right rear tire completely blew apart - we were driving on the hub cap. Scary!
Last week I went on a road trip with on one of my Hubby's ex wives. Yes, you heard me right a road trip with Greta - Ex Wife #2.
You're probably thinking the same thing my friends did when I shared my upcoming plans - O - M - G! What are you thinking?
Um - it isn't a girls getaway - rather a trip designed to squeeze every last second in with Jax before we drop him off at College. OHHH - that should be interesting!
It was always a given that both Greta and I were going on this trip!
Raylan and I have been a parental team when it comes to raising our blended family - physically, emotionally and financially for the past twelve years. Even now with Jax entering College our partnership continues. Raylan and I are working together to provide financial support for Jax's education, as well as, support him emotionally through all the changes coming his way and is willing to share. Hopefully a lot! Probably wishful thinking on our part!
On the other side of the coin is Greta - his mother. She's never missed a big moment in Jax's life. This moment was no exception. Sal's participation in the road trip was never discussed as a possibility. Greta was the parent who handled the majority of parenting of Jax in her home.
I remember how I felt with the countdown for the older kids leaving the nest - it couldn't come soon enough for them to be out on their own. For me it was freedom from a life of constant unhappiness. I know how it sounds to an outsider looking in. Couldn't you have tried a little a harder? Given a little more? Loved a little more? All questions I had asked myself a million times. The bottom line - they weren't interested in being apart of the new family we were creating and I was emotionally worn out trying to entice them to want to be.I celebrated my 45th birthday on Wednesday - birthday number 12 as a Step Mom! Yikes on both accounts.
Lisa's 45th Birdthday - Opening Gifts
Being a Step Mom this birthday seemed even more relevant than any other so far. My Step Son Jax was packing up his things to leave for College in another state. He's lived half of his life in our home, he is our son, a member of our family. Most of the day was spent doing last minute laundry, picking up the things we forgot, organizing everything and ultimately packing up the part of this life he wants to take to his new one waiting in another state.
Raylan and the kids took me to my favorite restaurant but more importantly "our" family favorite restaurant that we frequent for most of our special occasions. I realized as we all piled into the car and headed for the restaurant it would be our last meal as a Party of 5.
RESPECT THE BUBBLE a phrase my brother created a number of years ago when someone was invading his personal space, namely my kids! A kind way of saying - back the hell away - respect my personal space. My kids of course fell in LOVE with the phrase, using it often. Sometimes with complete seriousness and other times with alot of laughter. The phrase belonged to my kids until last week.
THE BUBBLELittle Hart mentioned her Mom (Greta) was coming by to pick her up for a few hours. Typically that means, Greta text messages Little Hart when she arrives, asking her to come out to the car. On rare occasions when she comes to the door, we invite Greta into our home while she waits for Little Hart.
On that particular evening, Raylan and I were sitting side by side in "our" spot aptly named the love seat. My legs were draped across Raylan, me and the girls were gathered round watching the bat video. Yes the bat video! Raylan had extracted the creature from our sun shade on the back of the house a few minutes earlier. All four of us were laughing hysterically, reliving the horrifying bat extraction when the doorbell rang - it was Greta.
