Master Blender Lisa has been Blending Her ONE with His FIVE for 18 years. With THREE Ex Spouses, THREE Step Parents and SIX kids we are living the Blended, Not Stirred dream. Is that even a thing?
All in Divorce
When I divorced my Ex Husband 19 years ago, my Mama Bear mentality went into overdrive. I was convinced that I was the only person who could love and protect Elle. Add to that my need to prove - I'm a good Mom even if I did divorce the father of my child....... My mantra became - Cross my kid - I'll make your life a living HELL!
Divorced Mom = Mama Bear on steroids! GRRR!!!
It's not just Divorced Moms, Divorced Dad's pretty much fall into the same trap when protecting their young.
Last week Dylan Farrow set off a fire storm when she penned an open letter about the abuse she suffered at the hands of Woody Allen. Woody responded with a letter of his own defending himself. Dylan responded with her response to his response. The he said/she said brought back memories of my daughter's journey five years ago after suffering emotional and physical abuse in her Dad's home. Although, not played out in the court of public opinion - who you believe becomes an issue in any accusation of abuse. You can read about Elle's by clicking here. 
HATE ALLOW REVICTIMIZATION - HERS, HIS AND OURS
Children of divorced parents - perhaps living in one or two blended families have yet another layer of complication to navigate if abuse is suspected.
Nineteen years ago I remember sitting next to my brother Jasper's bed as he lay in the ICU. The snow was softly falling without making a sound - it was deafening silent and yet peaceful and comforting at the same time. Inside the sound of his breathing machine hissed as it pumped up and down - the only thing keeping him alive. Three weeks earlier my brother walked into the emergency room complaining he couldn't breath. He would die TWICE on the table that day. Little did we know then that his life was spared only temporarily.
What do you say to your brother knowing it will be the last words he'll ever hear from you?
I've been feeling very apathetic for a number of months in case you couldn't tell from my infrequent posting. If I had to put my finger on it, it's been the change in our family structure as of late. Our three youngest are not quite so young anymore. Two are off at college out of state - their rooms sit dark seven days a week. Our baby of the family just turned 16 - her room sits dark except from midnight to 3 am half the week! I know change comes whether I like it or not! This time around I seem to be having a harder time accepting life has moved on.....
If times goes by in a hurry for parents who are lucky enough to raise their kids everyday for eighteen years - it's on warp speed when you only have them half the time.
Whether I'm 5 or 46 there's just sometimes when I need to hear THE VOICE OF MOM on the other end of the line. It could be that I have some fantastic news to share - devastating news or no news at all! Mostly I take comfort in the fact that day or night I can call my Mom if I want and she'll answer! It's the same relationship I have with my daughter Elle. Five years ago - not so much!
THE VOICE OF MOM
Immediately when I heard about the bombings in Boston - I felt a personal connection with my daughter living back East. I immediately called and texted Elle to "check in" - when she didn't pick up my heart started racing.
Last Fall, Little Hart came home from school - announcing in a strong, confident tone that she wanted to legally change her middle name to Mary after her deceased Grandma, Raylan's mother. Surprised, Raylan asked why she had decided on Mary? Little Hart responded that her and a friend were talking about possible middle names when he looked at her and said "What About Mary?"
"I just knew it Dad, I want my middle name to be Mary after Grandma." While my Hubby was moved and on board with Little Hart's request - he was only half of the equation - to legally change her name, Greta would have to agree.
I never was a huge fan of Valentines Day before I married Raylan. So it never hurt my feelings with my Hubby's constant threats to boycott the "Hallmark Holiday." Which would probably make you think I tend to shy away from the entire Holiday all together. Nope! As a Blended Family Parent - V DAY is a reminder of why I started this blended family journey in the first place......................
I fell in love with a boy named Raylan! Without him I would have never jumped into the deep end of the pool!
JUST SAYING NO when it doesn't work for your schedule or your emotional health is absolutley neccesary when you're a Mom and/or a Step Mom in a blended family. If you're anything like me - you may be saying YES when inside you're screaming not only NO, BUT HELL NO!
It's a common habit for StepMom's of a blended family to do especially when you're the newbie on the block! You want to be liked, maybe even loved and you mistakenly think saying YES - being everyone's Go To Gal will you get you there, but it rarely does.
When my daughter Elle was born 18 years ago, I thought no one could take care of her the way I could including my own mother! My Mom was quick to point out that well - she raised me and I survived, as well as, my three brothers - if she could raise four kids she probably could muddle through watching my baby while I took a shower! Hard to argue with that logic!
Over time you get over yourself, you still think deep down YOUR way is the one and only way, but you're willing to let the little things slide when others care for your child for that well deserved break that you needed yesterday! Still the overbearing mother instinct comes roaring back in a hurry with the introduction of a Step Mom into your child's life - no matter what their age.
I've been in a blended family for 13 years now and I am continually amazed at the judgement from some Bio Parents, a vocal minority(I'm hoping), expressing judgement over LOVE, specifically in reference to the Mom/child relationship I share with my Step Kids.
The notion that love between a parent and child is somehow wrong, disrespectful and/or disloyal to a Bio Parent if the love exchanged is between a Mom and kid has a Step or Bonus attached to it - drives me mildly insane! Insane because STEP or BONUS doesn't change the feeling of love or its legitamacy between the parent and child.
My three kids - Period!
I could ramble on about my relationship with my Step Kids, specifically my two youngest and all the reasons why sharing the parent/child relationship is a good thing for everyone involved, but I won't! Instead I'll talk about my own daughter who was thrust into a divorce and blended family situation by no choice of her own.
Last month when I was in NYC with Elle celebrating her 18th birthday she told me "I don't think I'll ever get married!" I immediately said "Whaaaaat? Why?" She said in a nutshell that my marriage to Raylan was one success story compared to the four failed marriages in her life. The odds were more likely that if she married it wouldn't last - so why try? If I let my guilt machine kick in I would have immediately taken all responsibility for this train of thought - then I stopped myself.
This month marks the 2nd anniversary of Little Hart's brush with death. We sat by her bedside watching the respirator take her every breath - wondering if she would ever tell another funny story that made us laugh uncontrollably, inform us she was not going to do this, that or the other (she's so damn stubborn!) or be able to say "I Love You Mom and Dad."
Little Hart and her BFF from the hospital
Greta, Raylan and I sat in a small ICU room for NINE days and nights - all unified in praying for a miracle. One arrived on day six when she the turned a corner. A lot of things in our Blended Family Life were forever changed after those nine days.
