All in Life as a Step-Mom

SEASONS CHANGE OVERNIGHT

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Dealing with the Ex- Wife, Life as a Step-Mom, Teenagers

It's Monday morning.......I woke up late - it's FREEZING - drinking a cup of hot black tea.  It snowed Saturday - we weren't ready for it as is evident by all of the leaves that have yet to fall.  

The snow weighs heavy on the tree branches as they struggle with the season change and I find myself identifying with the trees.  I've been experiencing a lot of changes - a child leaving the nest for college - another one soon to follow - Little Hart my 14 year old spending more time in her other household.

For a month now, my Monday mornings have been filled with leisure. I should be excited and thankful from my reprieve from the typical morning activities of making breakfast and driving Little Hart to school thirty minutes away - instead I find myself feeling down. It's probably the entirety of all the changes, but nevertheless I do feel down.  

JUST LIKE OLD TIMES.........

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Blended Family Traditions, Life as a Step-Mom, Teenagers

This past weekend our Family of Five decided to meet up in Dallas/Fort Worth for the BYU vs. TCU football game at Cowboy Stadium.  Raylan, me, Elle and Little Hart flew in from SLC and Jax flew in from Phoenix. Jax's plane arrived twenty minutes after ours and we met up in the airport.  We had not seen him since we dropped him off at school in August.  It was very cool and strange all at the same time to be meeting our son in an airport terminal.  

The kids immediately fell into their old comfort zone and before we knew it - it was like old times - talking - laughing - teasing!!!!  The highlight of our trip was attending the game at Cowboy Stadium......

Hartman Family at Cowboy StadiumCowboy Stadium is an awesome sight to see!  

IS HALLOWEEN WORTH A BATTLE?

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Dealing with the Ex- Wife, Holidays, Life as a Step-Mom, Step-kids

Happy Halloween! If your blended family is anything like ours you've probably wondered why Halloween can end up being more emotionally charged than any other holiday.  I've come to the conclusion that it has more to do with kids growing up than the actual holiday.

 

Kids grow up so fast and there's a very tiny window that they love to dress up and you get to be apart of the process as a parent - split that time in half - it's a handful of years.  

FASTEN YOUR SEATBELT FOR A LONG AND BUMPY RIDE

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Life as a Step-Mom, Step-kids, Teenagers

My youngest, Little Hart is going through the the Terrible Teens.  Not the Terrible Twos - the Terrible Teens - she's 14.  Every question is answered with "What Do You Think?" in the most snarky tone she can muster.  Usually I have to go to my Happy Place to stop myself from snapping and responding with what I really want to say or strangling her.

Wish I could blame this whole thing on the Step Mom - Step Daughter relationship, but my own daughter let me know how stupid I was a number of years ago.

WHEN WE BLAME THE STEP MOM...............

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Life as a Step-Mom, Step-parenting

Blaming someone for a wrong isn't a new phenonmen, in fact it's become an accepted part of our culture - thanks in large part to the media. Often one piece of a very complicated puzzle is singled out - one person solely to blame for a particular result. The tape gets replayed over and over again for years to come - Remember "this" person caused "this" to happen. Eventually the mistake overshadows every other decision in their life.

It's easy to see why - it makes a complicated situation easy to understand - it's not hard to get people to rally behind blaming just one person.  When we place the blame squarely on someone else's shoulder it explains the unexplainable - the failure - the loss - relieving us of our own culpability. We mistakenly hold on to the belief that if that ONE thing had been different the whole outcome would have been different. It's a fallacy because failure never comes from just one thing.

Last week I was watching the ESPN special "Catching Hell." The host examines some of the most infamous baseball games in our history - a team expected to win a crucial game, but loses it instead. Even though a number of errors were made from various players throughout the game the entire blame for the loss gets attributed to one player only.  As I'm watching, three different experiences come together - All three involve Blame and Step Moms.

STEP FAMILY DAY GOT ME THINKING

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Life as a Step-Mom, Step-kids, Step-parenting

Today is Step Family Day and like most of the blended family "celebration days," I'm just figuring out they existed after being in one for twelve years.  I probably would have let this one pass had I not tuned into the Dr. Laura Berman radio show yesterday on my drive home. Dr. Berman mentioned that Step Family Day was Friday - wanted to know how people felt positive or negative.  

Granted I didn't listen to the entire show, but it did seem like the majority of the comments were weighted to the down side of being in a blended family.  Something that is really easy to do - having done it myself for years! As I was listening to one woman in particular go on for what seemed like an eternity about her step kids; how much she did for them, how glad she was to have a break - I found myself identifying with the woman. I've had those days myself. 

Finally, Dr. Berman responded, suggesting a multitude of things to the woman. What resonated with me was her suggestion that perhaps part of the woman's frustration in dealing with her step kids, may be less about her step kids and more about them being, well......KIDS! There's a lightening bolt!  Dr. Berman went on to say sometimes after a weekend with her OWN kids, she kisses the floor when she gets to work Monday morning.  

GOODBYE WITHOUT THE ASTERISK

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Blended Family Traditions, Dealing with the Ex- Wife, Ex-Spouses, Life as a Step-Mom

There were no tears shed when we dropped Jax off three weeks ago - only a blanket of sadness as we left town without him. In the back of everyone's mind we had Labor Day.  


Jax and Elle the early years

It was like a lot of other goodbyes over the years.  He was simply on vacation with his other family for a few weeks - not living in another state. It clearly had not sunk in.

Long before Jax had left, he planned to fly home for the Labor Day weekend to spend with our extended family. It was a tradition started by my parents long before Raylan and I created our Family of Five. When we introduced  Jax to the tradition he had an immediate connection with the tradition and the family dynamics.

 

ROAD TRIP WITH THE EX WIFE - PART 4

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Dealing with the Ex- Wife, Life as a Step-Mom, Step-kids

Jax's first day of dorm life was a lot like his first day of preschool. The door to his room had two paper basketball jerseys taped to the door - one with Jax's name and the other - Drew - his roommate.  Ahh! So cute! We all had the same butterflies, emotions about leaving our baby for the first time only this time around we wouldn't be picking him up in four hours - it would be four years!

All five of us followed him into his dorm room, his roommate had yet to arrive. We filled up the entire room.  All of his stuff is neatly stacked thanks to the awesome guys that unloaded our car and delivered it to his room. We quickly make a list of things we still need to purchase. We all offer one by one to make his bed, put clothes away - Jax refuses any help.  Wants to do it himself! A shock to Greta and me since he's never done either in 18 years.  Just sayin!

ROAD TRIP WITH THE EX WIFE - PART 3

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Emotional Baggage, Ex-Spouses, Life as a Step-Mom

We had survived something together.  It had bonded us as a group or so I thought.  Turns out it was a temporary situation. Temporary for our youngest Little Hart.

When Raylan, me, Jax and Greta had travelled twice before Jax had handled the situation so well, it never crossed my mind that this might be a problem for Little Hart.  I didn't factor in that she was four years younger and had never been with both parents for longer than an hour her whole life.  Add to that the dynamic of Jax leaving, a relatively new relationship with her Mom and having her Mom all to herself without Greta's three younger kids.  It was a perfect storm. A storm that I never saw coming nor did I realize the above factors as the reason for the storm until later.

It started out subtle, Little Hart responding with an edge and occasional biting comment directed mostly at Elle, occasionally me.  As the comments grew in frequency everything in my body wanted to say to Little Hart STOP IT!  Had it been just our family - I would have in a heartbeat.  Yet with Greta there I felt restrained.  Neither Raylan or Greta said a word.  And I felt like my mouth was wired shut.

Later I expressed my concerns to Raylan.  He downplayed it, attributed it to the girls "normal" dynamic - it would pass.  Which made me feel even more restrained from saying something. We were all gathered there for Jax - I didn't want to be seen as the one ruining the trip for defending my daughter that no one else thought needed defending.  So I kept it shut and felt like the worlds worst mother in doing so.

 

ROAD TRIP WITH THE EX WIFE - PART 2

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Dealing with the Ex- Wife, Life as a Step-Mom

When I shared with my Hubby the "that should be interesting" comment he shot back "I hope it's interesting in a positive way!"  There's a positive and a negative interesting? Didn't know.

It wasn't an uncomfortable, akward silence nor was it a relaxed atmosphere either. We had a rhythm as our Team/Family of Five and Jax, Little Hart and Greta had their Family/Team rhythm. Jax and Little Hart were caught in between - am I this kid or that kid.  It would take a few for all of us to adjust to the different makeup and find a new one - all it's own for this temporary scenario.

Things started to loosen up with the commencement of the the Hartman Family Game aka the Yellow Car Game.  Everyone except me was playing including Greta. I stopped playing years ago to referee who belt out the Ye first.  It's a game my Hubby says "we're always playing!" Don't enter vehicle unless you can handle the pressure. Raylan happens to be just a tad bit competitive or is that Jax or maybe it's Little Hart?  Gee I wonder where they get that from????

A few hours in something interesting happened! We had stopped for lunch and to fill up our gas guzzler - Raylan and I had rented a Yukon XL to transport all of us and our baggage for the trip. It was a big mother. Eventually, we were back on the road maybe 5 minutes, when the car swayed just ever so slightly. The girls yelled out a loud, sharp "Dad!!"  It's not uncommon thing for Raylan to mess around.  

Raylan: I'm seriously not doing anything!  

Girls(indignant): Sure Dad.  

Raylan: Um --- we have a tire problem

Ten seconds later our right rear tire completely blew apart -  we were driving on the hub cap. Scary!  

THE TWO TEAMS! ROAD TRIP WITH THE EX WIFE - PART 1

Lisa Hartman
Blended Families, Dealing with the Ex- Wife, Divorce, Emotional Baggage, Ex-Spouses, Life as a Step-Mom

Last week I went on a road trip with on one of my Hubby's ex wives. Yes, you heard me right a road trip with Greta - Ex Wife #2.

You're probably thinking the same thing my friends did when I shared my upcoming plans - O - M - G! What are you thinking? 

Um - it isn't a girls getaway - rather a trip designed to squeeze every last second in with Jax before we drop him off at College.  OHHH - that should be interesting! 

It was always a given that both Greta and I were going on this trip! 

Raylan and I have been a parental team when it comes to raising our blended family - physically, emotionally and financially for the past twelve years. Even now with Jax entering College our partnership continues.  Raylan and I are working together to provide financial support for Jax's education, as well as, support him emotionally through all the changes coming his way and is willing to share. Hopefully a lot! Probably wishful thinking on our part!

On the other side of the coin is Greta - his mother. She's never missed a big moment in Jax's life. This moment was no exception. Sal's participation in the road trip was never discussed as a possibility. Greta was the parent who handled the majority of parenting of Jax in her home. 

 

MY LEADING MAN - RAYLAN

Lisa Hartman
Life as a Step-Mom

Christina at Spilled Milkshake has a fun battle of the leading men going on over at her site. It caught my eye thanks to highlighting Timothy Olyphant.  After all I renamed my Hubby after his character Raylan in Justified (click on Raylan to see why).  I'm in love, love, love with Raylan, my Hubby that is and Timothy you're not to bad yourself.

BWS tips button

If you get a chance click on over and cast your vote for your favorite leading man!

 

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