Master Blender Lisa has been Blending Her ONE with His FIVE for 18 years. With THREE Ex Spouses, THREE Step Parents and SIX kids we are living the Blended, Not Stirred dream. Is that even a thing?
All tagged Divorce
I officially became Raylan's 3rd Wife and he my 2nd Husband. You might not have realized that society has an unwritten rule, if you’ve ever been married before your Spouse comes with a chronological distinction.
Which got me wondering, will there ever come a day when Raylan is just my Husband and me his Wife? Or will our marriage forever be viewed as less than ideal because it didn't come first?
"She turned the lights off - we were in complete darkness." Michele(Dance Instructor) said "close your eyes - relax your body - go to your happiest memory." "It probably sounds corny, but my mind immediately went to the day I saw you walk out the doors of the airport."
Elle didn't have to say another word - I knew exactly what she was talking about and I my eyes filled with tears. The scene from an airport
An open letter from a Mom to the StepMom a few weeks ago went viral and with it the implication a Mom and StepMom's ideal relationship should be that of two Besties. While in theory it sounds like a reachable goal, reality paints a far more challenging picture that has all the makings of friendship never happening. The better alternative, the one more likely to succeed is creating an atmosphere of Friendly Not Friends With The Ex.
I remember the day Raylan's Ex Wife (one of them) said I feel like Lisa has totally REPLACED me - Raylan and I were not married, nor living together. It had come on the heels of Raylan telling Greta how happy we were to be taking the next step - living together.
With one brush Greta had tagged me as Raylan's Replacement Wife. A woman stepping into her shoes; the ones she no longer wanted to wear, but didn't want anyone else to wear either. Only to me, I didn't feel like I had replaced her, nor Raylan's other Ex Wife - I had brought my own pair of shoes to wear to my own party. People from her life were apart of the new life Raylan and I had created - I was not apart of the life she had chosen to leave behind.
As an Ex Wife myself - divorced from my Ex Husband 17 years now - I don't recall feeling like Dick's Wife had replaced me. It didn't mean I wasn't innocent in discounting her role.
Ever notice that whenever someone either writes or talks about divorce there is always those vocal group of perfectionists letting all of us who are divorced know that we are, well, quitters? Opining that we divorcees like to take the easy way out in life, while they meanwhile do all the hard work by staying married.
Never for one moment have I entertained the notion that I somehow took the easy way out by divorcing my first Husband. FIVE reasons why Divorce is never the EASY choice:
I've been in a blended family for 13 years now and I am continually amazed at the judgement from some Bio Parents, a vocal minority(I'm hoping), expressing judgement over LOVE, specifically in reference to the Mom/child relationship I share with my Step Kids.
The notion that love between a parent and child is somehow wrong, disrespectful and/or disloyal to a Bio Parent if the love exchanged is between a Mom and kid has a Step or Bonus attached to it - drives me mildly insane! Insane because STEP or BONUS doesn't change the feeling of love or its legitamacy between the parent and child.
My three kids - Period!
I could ramble on about my relationship with my Step Kids, specifically my two youngest and all the reasons why sharing the parent/child relationship is a good thing for everyone involved, but I won't! Instead I'll talk about my own daughter who was thrust into a divorce and blended family situation by no choice of her own.
Last month when I was in NYC with Elle celebrating her 18th birthday she told me "I don't think I'll ever get married!" I immediately said "Whaaaaat? Why?" She said in a nutshell that my marriage to Raylan was one success story compared to the four failed marriages in her life. The odds were more likely that if she married it wouldn't last - so why try? If I let my guilt machine kick in I would have immediately taken all responsibility for this train of thought - then I stopped myself.
When I divorced Dick, 17 years ago this month, I shared my plans to give my wedding ring to our daughter Elle when she turned 18. Dick responded in a sarcastic, bitter, angry tone "Sounds like a great idea! Elle here's a symbol of your parents FAILED marriage!!" I responded "No, here's a symbol that your Dad and I loved each other once!"
Dick and I never discussed the ring again. Many years ago I shared with Elle my intentions to give her the ring. I don't remember the exact conversation other than we both knew that the ring belonged to her and that Grandma(my Mom) was keeping it in a safe until she turned 18.
I have to admit, there have been a number of times over the years I secretly wished for the day one of my kids would turn 18. With my three youngest, it had nothing to do with them, rather the Ex. Specifically haggling with the ex over the "proposed" holiday schedule. One year Dick/Malus got miffed that I dare email a schedule over without "proposed" in the title.
Most of the years we have shared 50/50 custody with our respective Exes. Agreeing on what was a fair 50% time split was a moving target year after year. By the time the actual Holiday rolled around, it felt like we had negotiated peace in the Middle East. Instead of wanting celebrate, I usually felt like going to bed for a few days due to mental exhaustion.
This year we've added a new twist - Jax turned 18 in July. No longer a valid divorce decree awarding joint custody to his Mom and Dad. No more detailed spread sheets about what days he will spend at Mom's house and Dad's house. In my opinion, that was a huge motivating factor in Jax going out of state for College - he could sleep every night in the same bed, his clothes all in one place - just one home base.
Today Jax is coming home for Thanksgiving! This isn't Mom or Dad's Thanksgiving - it's HIS THANKSGIVING! But what home will he come home too?
Last night I came across a People article on the wedding of Eva Amurri daughter of Susan Sarandon and Franco Amurri. The picture was of Eva's Ex Step Father Tim Robbins and Mother Susan Sarandon walking her down the aisle. The article acknowledged that her Father was present at the ceremony, but her Mother and Step Father were the hosts of the wedding event. As you may know, Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon split up three years ago after spending twenty two years together.
Eva Amurri with Step Dad and Mom.What struck me about the whole scenario was the happiness on Eva's face as she walked with her arms intertwined with Tim and Susan down the aisle. Although her "parents" had parted ways, Eva acknowledged how important her Step Father was in her life by his intimate involvement in the ceremony and celebration.
When my divorce from Dick was final - it was relief. Relief that I didn't have see and talk to him everyday. When he was being unreasonable I could just hang up the phone. The flip side of the decision was that I would only see my daughter half the time, split every Holiday, special occasion............. Instead of having eighteen years with my child the hard core reality was it would be more like nine. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do - with time it became my normal and Elle's normal.
Elle's view from the beach houseSince Elle left Dick's house two and half years ago, we have been together most days. It's different from when she was a toddler - she's a teenager - been through HELL and back - dealing with a ton of emotions - but she's been under my roof. I've been lucky to be there to hold her - love her - seven days in a row - week after week.
Last week I went on a road trip with on one of my Hubby's ex wives. Yes, you heard me right a road trip with Greta - Ex Wife #2.
You're probably thinking the same thing my friends did when I shared my upcoming plans - O - M - G! What are you thinking?
Um - it isn't a girls getaway - rather a trip designed to squeeze every last second in with Jax before we drop him off at College. OHHH - that should be interesting!
It was always a given that both Greta and I were going on this trip!
Raylan and I have been a parental team when it comes to raising our blended family - physically, emotionally and financially for the past twelve years. Even now with Jax entering College our partnership continues. Raylan and I are working together to provide financial support for Jax's education, as well as, support him emotionally through all the changes coming his way and is willing to share. Hopefully a lot! Probably wishful thinking on our part!
On the other side of the coin is Greta - his mother. She's never missed a big moment in Jax's life. This moment was no exception. Sal's participation in the road trip was never discussed as a possibility. Greta was the parent who handled the majority of parenting of Jax in her home.
